Steps to Avoid a Nervous Breakdown
By Adam Scott

1) Self-Medicate: Whatever helps you get comfortably numb. Some people prefer drugs, for some chocolate will do, some shop, I am rather fond of booze. When it comes to utilizing booze to stave off a nervous breakdown, one should apply liberally and often. And, if you are feeling especially close to breakdown, then you might try combining vices, drugs and alcohol, drugs dipped in chocolate. I think booze and shopping would be a rather interesting combination.

2) Hang Out in Bars: If you're going to use booze to self-medicate, you don't necessarily have to go out in public. If you're self-medicating in order to avoid a nervous breakdown, then you probably don't have a problem with drinking alone. However, hanging out in bars can help you feel better about yourself. It's only a matter of finding the right bar. If you're hanging on to your sanity by an ever-thinning thread, going to a sports bar is probably not a good idea. Being stuck in a room full of loud, over-zealous bros yelling at mutiple TV screens may very well push you over the edge. You need to find a nice dive bar. In this case "nice" means dark, dirty and full of shady characters. Think of a bar where Bukowski would frequent. Once you've found such a place, make friends. There is probably some poor bastard there who has had it much worse than you, and will make you feel that much better about yourself.

3) Hook Up With Strangers: This one can be a bit tricky, though if you take these steps in numerical order this step doesn't pose as much of a problem. The booze and the friends in low places should have you feeling at least a little bit better about yourself. So, now that you're sitting pretty, you've had a few drinks (3, 4... 12) and the people around you look good (if they didn't before, they should now, if they still don't, drink more), you should find a nice person for a one-night stand. Again, in this case "nice" is defined a little differently, "nice" being someone who is at least two of the following: drunk, slutty, on the rebound, in an open relationship, a sex addict, attracted to you. Whatever you do, absolutely positively DO NOT HOOK UP WITH AN EX. Not only is that contrary to this step, it's just a bad idea.


4) Hook Up With An Ex: If you absolutely cannot find a stranger who is willing and able to hook up with you, find an ex who will, but who will not make you feel like shit about it later. A guilty conscience is not conducive to avoiding a nervous breakdown... unless the sex is really good... I mean really good... we're talking fan-fucking-tastic sex. DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH AN EX WHO IS STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU.


5) Distraction, Distraction, Distraction: Keep your mind occupied with anything but your real life. Find a TV show to get addicted to, read a celebrity magazine, start writing a blog about a TV show. Do whatever possible to distract yourself from the real world. Watch reality TV, that has absolutely nothing to do with real life. Start listening to podcasts on iTunes, it's free. In fact, do mutiple things at the same time. Watch reality TV while listening to the MTV podcast and reading the latest issue of Us Weekly, all that fluff will be like padding for your brain to absorb anything of substance before you have a chance to process it.


6) Take Naps: You can't have a nervous breakdown in your sleep. So, sleep as much as possible.


7) Hang Out with Starving Artists: If you're surrounded by people who are in the same boat as you, then you might not feel quite so bad. It's important to have people who understand you to commiserate with. Again, there's probably someone worse off than you. Also, this could help with step 3, as artists are notoriously promiscuous, and step 1, as artists and substance abuse are like tea and cake.


8) Hang Out with Successful People: Successful people can afford to be generous. Even better, hang out with successful liberal people, and learn the wonders of liberal guilt. There's always some successful wannabe artist or former hippie or former punk, who wants to prove that they haven't sold out and feels the need to help others who remind them of who they wish they were. If they want to live vicariously through you, then let them.


9)Take a Vow of Poverty: Walk the earth with as few possessions as possible. Free yourself from responsibility. If you can go from town to town solving other peoples' problems, you might start to feel better about yourself. You don't need a job. You can just wander around and do your own thing. However, it helps if you're a Tai Chi master or a troubadour.

10) Think Wonderful Thoughts: Don't worry, as long as you haven't been using any pixie dust, you won't fly away.