Post by Ryocha on Nov 12, 2009 10:41:04 GMT -5
You know, I still think about how close I was to staying on Side 5. I could have joined the Federation’s army, maybe even become a pilot of a GM… but I somehow knew it would have never turned out that way. I was a very sensitive child when I was younger, so sometimes it felt like I was reading the future right in front of my eyes. I knew where I would end up, but that didn’t lessen the pain of leaving all my friends in favour of my parent’s zealous idealism.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my parents. I love them and respect them as any child would. But now that I’m older and away from home, I saw how they hurt me growing up. Forcing their idealism on me in childhood was probably one of their worst crimes against me. Naturally, I soaked up every word like a sponge and repeated it back like a parrot to my classmates, warning them of the Federation’s greed. They thought I was insane and were very reluctant to speak to me, even when I was in high school. Throughout those years, I had felt very lonely.
I tried to hide it, but to no avail. In junior high, I tried to take my life. I couldn’t stand this feeling of being alone. In my teenage years, I began to become quiet and withdrawn, to which my parents criticized me for not being more outspoken about the glorious Zeon. As punishment, they sometimes would conveniently “forget” I existed. They would forget to set my place at the table, throw out food I had wanted to save for lunch the next day and even going as far to damaging my homework and projects.They pretended like I didn’t exist.
“No daughter of ours is a Federation sympathizer.” Those words were the only thing directed at me for weeks on end.
Inside me, there was a battle going on. I was considering moving out or maybe joining the Federation out of spite. Both never happened. I was too scared to lose what I had left of my parents, and I did not want to join the Federation for the wrong reasons. I didn’t agree with their reasons for ruling space; I believed that those who lived there had the right to rule themselves. For that, I sided with Zeon. But yet I hated Zeon, because my parents loved them more than they loved me.
Sitting here back in Athens after joining a fleet and watching it disband within a week has allowed me time to think. My thoughts have been all over the place. My purpose within the MAF, my developing powers as a Newtype that sometimes I find hard to believe exist; all these thoughts swirl together in a massive cauldron and leave me more confused than satisfied.
When Clara speaks of Newtypes, I never think she’s directing it towards me. She’s avid about them – or to be more precise, she’s avid about the technology they get to use in Test Korps. Whenever she gets the chance, she berates me for settling with a Zaku. To be honest, my severe hate for the psycommu system is one of the few firm stances I take. I’ve heard the horror stories when I was training, how some of my fellow pilots had been pulled aside and told they had been showing signs of Newtype abilities. I never saw them again – and according to the parents, neither have they. I was already lonely enough. I didn’t need one more factor in my life to make me an isolated test subject.
Clara was the only one who knew of my existance as a Newtype. I wanted to keep it that way, but I had a horrible gut feeling that the wrong person will find out and tell Kycilia Zabi. Then, who knows? Perhaps my darkest fears would come true sooner than I thought.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my parents. I love them and respect them as any child would. But now that I’m older and away from home, I saw how they hurt me growing up. Forcing their idealism on me in childhood was probably one of their worst crimes against me. Naturally, I soaked up every word like a sponge and repeated it back like a parrot to my classmates, warning them of the Federation’s greed. They thought I was insane and were very reluctant to speak to me, even when I was in high school. Throughout those years, I had felt very lonely.
I tried to hide it, but to no avail. In junior high, I tried to take my life. I couldn’t stand this feeling of being alone. In my teenage years, I began to become quiet and withdrawn, to which my parents criticized me for not being more outspoken about the glorious Zeon. As punishment, they sometimes would conveniently “forget” I existed. They would forget to set my place at the table, throw out food I had wanted to save for lunch the next day and even going as far to damaging my homework and projects.They pretended like I didn’t exist.
“No daughter of ours is a Federation sympathizer.” Those words were the only thing directed at me for weeks on end.
Inside me, there was a battle going on. I was considering moving out or maybe joining the Federation out of spite. Both never happened. I was too scared to lose what I had left of my parents, and I did not want to join the Federation for the wrong reasons. I didn’t agree with their reasons for ruling space; I believed that those who lived there had the right to rule themselves. For that, I sided with Zeon. But yet I hated Zeon, because my parents loved them more than they loved me.
Sitting here back in Athens after joining a fleet and watching it disband within a week has allowed me time to think. My thoughts have been all over the place. My purpose within the MAF, my developing powers as a Newtype that sometimes I find hard to believe exist; all these thoughts swirl together in a massive cauldron and leave me more confused than satisfied.
When Clara speaks of Newtypes, I never think she’s directing it towards me. She’s avid about them – or to be more precise, she’s avid about the technology they get to use in Test Korps. Whenever she gets the chance, she berates me for settling with a Zaku. To be honest, my severe hate for the psycommu system is one of the few firm stances I take. I’ve heard the horror stories when I was training, how some of my fellow pilots had been pulled aside and told they had been showing signs of Newtype abilities. I never saw them again – and according to the parents, neither have they. I was already lonely enough. I didn’t need one more factor in my life to make me an isolated test subject.
Clara was the only one who knew of my existance as a Newtype. I wanted to keep it that way, but I had a horrible gut feeling that the wrong person will find out and tell Kycilia Zabi. Then, who knows? Perhaps my darkest fears would come true sooner than I thought.